


define love

by depthsofdespair



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Childhood Friends, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Love, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Inspired by Poetry, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan is Whipped, Light Angst, M/M, Metaphors, Oblivious Huang Ren Jun, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, but the humor is just bad flirting, except maybe they've always been in love, i dont really know what to tag, kind of, renjun isn't actually donghyucks teacher, that was like a metaphor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23762959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/depthsofdespair/pseuds/depthsofdespair
Summary: renjun was fascinated by pretty words, donghyuck wouldn’t be surprised if the boy read through dictionaries like they were world renowned novels,and donghyuck had no interest in expanding his vocabulary, but watching the light in renjuns eyes as he spoke a word donghyuck hadn’t learned yet, the smile that spreads across his face without fail every time he gets a chance to define a new word,that made it worth it to ask
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 17





	1. idyllic

**Author's Note:**

> I know its short, but I enjoyed writing this, I hope I'll continue.  
> my comments are always open to constructive criticism or thoughts, id love to hear any input you'd like to share!  
> I dont have anything else to say really, but if anyone is reading this: I hope you're doing well. stay safe, make sure you're resting enough. take care of yourselves

donghyuck found himself zoning out, thinking about how the two of them had always learned alongside one another,

donghyuck thought renjun was probably his favorite teacher: with renjun he'd learned how to smile, how to laugh, he'd learned about poetry and books (against his will), he'd learned art, he'd learned constellations,

donghyucks favorite thing to learn was the random words renjun seemed to be infatuated with

renjun was donghyucks favorite teacher, 

had he learned love?

“...it was idyllic,” renjun trailed on, telling some story donghyuck could only fade his attention in and out of

“idyllic?” he asked, feigning boredom, pretending he hadn’t seen that sparkle in renjuns eyes

donghyuck liked pretending it wasn’t a big deal, he liked pretending he didn’t listen for the pretty words he could linger on, it felt like winning

donghyuck felt like he was winning when he could read renjun, especially when renjun couldn’t read him in return

“like an idyll; being extremely happy, something peaceful or picturesque,” renjun offered, his eyes wandered through his explanation, searching for an example

donghyuck followed his gaze to the creek running through the woods, they’d both always loved autumn for their own reasons.

“those leaves littered on top of the creek, the way the trees bend together to create something like an arch into some secret garden; that view creates an idyllic setting,”

he was smiling softly, donghyuck let his eyes trail his profile

the curve of his nose, his eyelashes long and curled,

it was 56 degrees, but donghyuck was standing next to the sun, he wasn’t cold

“you’re idyllic,” donghyuck said, a smirk across his face, it didn’t matter what he said

he watched renjun roll his eyes, but his smile hadn’t fallen

“you’re _annoying_ ,” he retaliated

donghyuck wasn’t joking, but he didn’t mind not being taken seriously:

it was less scary than being read he supposed.

donghyuck loved autumn because renjun did

if donghyuck had to pick his own favorite season without being biased, that would mean he would have to imagine a season without renjun because in any scenario with renjun it was always the changing of the leaves, the pumpkin spice flavored clichés, bonfires and plaid button ups

donghyuck didn’t think there was anything wrong with basing things around renjuns existence

“annoying?” donghyuck joked, asking in the same tone he always inquired with when renjun said his pretty words that probably would’ve collected dust in their language because nobody else in the world would bother to speak like they had just walked out of a Shakespeare play for fun

“like an irritant, someone who is obnoxious,” renjun said, eyes locking with donghyucks on the last word

donghyuck faked a pout, but couldn’t hold it long enough to garner a response as the two began laughing simultaneously

“where'd you learn that word-” donghyuck started, renjun looked like he had a sarcastic comment waiting on the tip of his tongue, “idyllic-I mean.”

the sarcasm blew away in the wind, the stars were returning faintly in renjuns eyes

“it was in a poem, ‘ _And breeze of idyllic / Romantic past._ ’ I’ll send you a picture when I get home,” renjun was smiling again

donghyuck thinks maybe this is what hed describe as an idyllic setting, donghyuck would go as far as to say anywhere renjun went would become idyllic

“id like that,” donghyuck responds, though hes lying a little

he could care less about the poem itself, he thinks hed rather hear renjuns thoughts on the poem instead

“what is it about?” donghyuck didn’t want the conversation to end yet

“art is subjective, hyuck, poems are understood based on the eye of the beholder.” renjun starts the same rant he always goes on, the same one donghyuck always ignores because he likes seeing through renjuns eyes before all else

he'd rather know renjuns thoughts from the start, he'd rather read in renjuns voice

donghyuck rolls his eyes now, laughing

renjun looked beautiful when he explained things, whether it was defining a word or explaining a poem or nagging donghyuck

donghyuck adored renjuns passion, he adored the twinkle in his eyes and the softness that crashed through him like waves pulling him under

it was inspiring, donghyuck wished he shared the same passion, he wished his passion was studying literature rather than studying renjun

donghyuck threw back on his pout, tilting his head slightly to peer through his eyelashes the way he knows renjun always falls for

renjun sighs, but its not of disappointment, donghyuck watches as he furrows his eyebrows, as if hes searching for the meaning donghyucks asking for

and as predictable as renjun was,

he falls for it,

“I don’t think it means one thing specifically, I think the poem might be about being lonely, not physically lonely, more like mentally alone, but it doesn’t feel sad you know? like youre walking down a busy street and everyones whirring past you: but its comforting. theres something serene about it, theres beauty in being alone, I think the poem feels like facing fears, being overwhelmed but you know theres so much good waiting to come out of it so you push through the turmoil,” renjun pauses, “that’s what I think atleast, but like I said, art is always subjective,”

and donghyuck falls for him

like the leaves, floating slowly as the wind rocks them back and forth in a cradle while they make their way to the water

donghyuck falls

“will you still send it to me?” donghyuck asks, he knew renjun would, but he liked offering subtle reassurance of his interest in the things renjun said.

“do you still want me to?”

“unless youd rather read it to me under the moonlight,” donghyuck started again, pretending he had some sort of charms to unravel that would work on renjun

renjun let out a laugh, shaking his head like donghyuck was the funniest person in the world

donghyuck smiled back,

he thinks about how he'd probably be content even if this was all he could have in life, as long as renjun was there, he would find a way to be okay

as long as renjuns smile stayed warm, stayed fond, as long as his smile always resembled the feeling of hot cocoa after playing in the snow for hours,

donghyuck would be okay.

And so he sits, unlocking his phone at the sound of renjuns text tone finally

he opens the image,

“ _A lone flower peaks_

_Out over the city_

_From a tenement roof._

_She is speechless in her small pot_

_In the immense void_

_Of cold concrete and steel._

_A solitary poet_

_Brought her there_

_To gaze upon_

_As he scribbles_

_Mad, translucent verse_

_Disconnected from sterile reality,_

_Preserving ancient poetic breath_

_And breeze of idyllic_

_Romantic past._

-Uriah Hamilton.”

donghyuck read, the blue light from his screen burning his eyes a little in the dark

the poem feels like hes read it before, like he knows it already, not from renjuns interpretation, but from his own experiences:

he wondered if he was the flower while renjun was the city.


	2. eternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “give me a word,” donghyuck says, eyes locked on renjuns like he was a being held under a spell,  
> donghyuck didn’t even want to blink  
> “eternity,” renjun said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bear with donghyuck, I know his tone seems very transient comparing the beginning to the end, this is basically just his stream of consciousness  
> also, for the record, I dont know what the fourth word on the thirty-sixth page of the dictionary is

a quick gust of wind blew past, almost enough to make donghyuck shiver in the damp night

“serendipity?”

“boring,” donghyuck hummed, enjoying the back and forth

“supine,” renjun shot back

“what does that one mean?” donghyuck asked

“lying on your back, facing up,”

“boring,” donghyuck repeated as he laughed,

sometimes it was fun to push and pull with renjun, as much as he loved the game of being taught, as much as he loved letting renjun win, the push and pull was a close second.

renjun rolled his eyes, donghyuck joked they’d get stuck one day if he kept on doing that,

renjun responded by rolling his eyes again

 _how predictable_ donghyuck thought, followed immediately by _how adorable_

what did renjuns mind look like?

was everything sorted in files, no pencils left unaligned, memories of books filled with ridiculously intriguing words stacked neatly?

or was it chaos, did renjun speak each word from his stream of consciousness because otherwise it would be too clustered in his mind?

were the words written with their definitions in reach, did renjun have to search for them?

did renjun ever forget a word he learned, did he ever miss the feeling of learning a specific word for the first time?

maybe his thoughts existed similarly to how wind blows through trees, or how waves crash into the sides of boats tied to docks

maybe renjuns mind was wet feet on sand: each movement gluing more sand to him, each page turned brings more words locked in his memory

donghyuck thinks if he could have one superpower it would be to read minds, though he didn’t really care much what anyone else thought: it was only for renjun

just like every other piece of donghyuck, renjun was water wrapping itself around an anchor,

gravity must be love.

donghyuck was okay with sinking under these circumstances

what would renjun say if donghyuck asked him to define love?

would he start that same lecture that bled off the pages of books with worn spines and too many annotations scribbled in between the lines

would he roll his eyes and tell donghyuck that _the definition of love is subjective_

donghyuck didn’t need to ask, he could hear renjuns voice nagging already

but what if renjun knew?

what if he had a definition to encompass all of what people claim?

renjun seemed to know every other word, if donghyuck told him tell him the fourth word on the thirty-sixth page of the dictionary, renjun would without hesitation

donghyuck wasn’t scared of the definition of love, as long as it didn’t intertwine itself with renjun

donghyuck doesn’t think he would be scared of loving renjun,

or maybe he was

maybe loving renjun wouldn’t change anything, but if that were the case, wouldn’t that mean donghyucks always loved renjun?

renjuns eyes stay pointed towards the sky, like he’d never get bored of the same hues and tones

donghyuck didn’t love renjun, he hadn’t fallen in love with anyone yet, what he felt, whatever this was, he didn’t think it was love

this wasn’t denial, it wasn’t anything,

“I think the storms about to roll in, maybe we should head inside,” renjun said, moving like he was going to stand up

“are you scared of a little water?” donghyuck teased

“no, I’m scared of a little pneumonia,” he shot back, laughing

donghyuck thinks one of his favorite things about renjun is that theres never any malice in his voice, even when donghyuck pushes and pulls,

even when donghyuck intentionally tries to irritate him,

there was never any animosity

donghyuck knew they should head in, he didn’t want either of them to get sick,

but he didn’t want to leave this moment yet

the rain hit the pavement like it was frustrated now

tiny shards of glass being dropped down

donghyuck didn’t want to step out of this

he didn’t want time to unfreeze

even as the rain picked up speed, donghyuck didn’t move an inch

“you’re a pluviophile, I’m convinced,” renjun said

he also hadn’t made any further efforts to get up to leave

donghyuck took the bait, asking renjun for the definition, letting him take his rightful win for the night

“someone who loves the rain, it gives them a peace of mind, it’s comforting,” renjun says, pride on his face as it rightfully belonged

donghyuck doesn’t know if that’s the case

if it weren’t renjun next to him, what would compel him to stay outside?

he didn’t like the rain on its own

in fact, donghyuck was never much of a fan of the rain, something about the way storm clouds could swallow the sun right out of the sky horrified him

and rain at night was ominous, it felt like the moon had secrets,

but donghyuck would play along, for the sake of seeing renjun smile, for the sake of prolonging their moments

“maybe I am, but only If that means we can kiss in the rain like in those cheesy movies,” he joked, half tempted to fake a pout

“I’m leaving,” renjun said, standing before donghyuck could see him smiling

donghyuck caught it anyways, just like every expression that rested on renjun, donghyuck saw and registered it, memorizing each specific smile to try and sort into his own mind like renjun with his words

“huang renjun, why do you continue to break my heart?” he asked mockingly, and if renjun was looking at him he’d throw that aforementioned infamous pout in

“you’re incredibly vexing,” renjun laughed

the rain grew stronger, donghyuck could see renjuns hair stuck to the sides of his face,

he could see the drops of water sliding down his nose, falling to the ground to follow the rest of the drops in their cycle

“let me guess, that means easy to love? is it some sort of synonym for being someones prince charming?”

donghyuck knew he was far off, but he’d say absolutely anything no matter how ridiculous if it meant renjun would stay

“very close-“ his voice laced with sarcasm, “-but no, it means annoying,”

“is your prince charming annoying?” donghyuck asks, feigning hope in his tone

“I’m leaving,” renjun says again through his laughter

donghyuck didn’t want to go home yet,

“whats your favorite line in any song, of all the lyrics you’ve ever heard, whats your favorite?” he asked, hoping to stall

renjun stood still, eyebrows furrowing the way they always do when donghyuck asked renjun these things

donghyuck thought it was cute

did renjun ever worry his answers weren’t what donghyuck was expecting? did he have to sort through all his files rather than just finding the closest one, did he care about what donghyuck thought at all?

“I don’t think I could pick; you have to give me less slack than that,” renjun started, pausing to sit back down next to donghyuck

the rain continued to pour around them

“give me a genre at least,” he said

“that’s cheating, there has to be at least one line of a song that stood out enough to mean something to you,”

“that’s not fair,” renjun whines,

donghyuck just laughs again

how ridiculous is it to find happiness sitting on a sidewalk in the rain at one in the morning?

“oh, come on, next you’ll tell me you don’t have a favorite word,” donghyuck teased

“how could I? there is so many words with so many meanings, I’d be a fool to pick a favorite,” renjun replied, like it was offensive to assume he would have a favorite

 _how endearing_ donghyucks brain supplied

“do you know what my favorite word is?” donghyuck asked, plastering on a smile that looks as innocent as he can fake

“annoying?” renjun said, eyebrows raised as he pretended to be intrigued

“close, its _renjun_.”

making a fool of himself was worth it

the way renjun shakes his head, with his smile bright enough to threaten the reflection of the moon in the puddle next to them

“first of all, that doesn’t count, second of all, you’re unbelievable.”

“names are proper nouns, are they not?” donghyuck said, like he was quoting some amazing philosopher, like he was the smartest person on earth, “also, you love it,”

“I will walk away right now,” renjun said

they both knew he was lying

donghyuck threw his hands up dramatically, mimicking surrender

the rain picked up its pace, drops falling a little faster

donghyuck still wasn't ready for the night to end

“let’s dance,” donghyuck said, standing quickly, ignoring the pops of his knees as he stood

renjuns eyebrows went up, his eyes widened

donghyuck could see the stars again, even if they were just a reflection of the streetlights around them this time

he reached his hand out, raising one eyebrow as if this were a challenge

renjun took it, letting donghyuck pull him up

“theres no music,” renjun said, a smile across his face that screamed _lee donghyuck you are an idiot_

“that’s half the fun,”

“pluviophile,” renjun says, his head thrown backwards in a laugh

donghyuck can’t help but laugh with him

maybe he was a pluviophile, but he wasn’t before tonight.

maybe it was the sound of renjuns laugh while the rain pierced the pavement around them, the way their hands slip out of each other’s from being soaked, the way they relock their fingers instantly, like they were scared to let go of one another

donghyuck leads the dance, knowing anyone who knew anything about slow dancing would be crawling in their own skin at his mockery if they saw

donghyuck raised their hands, moving renjuns arm in a motion to spin him

the spin was smooth, the slick sidewalk bringing renjun right back to donghyuck

right back into his arms, with that ridiculous smile like it only existed for donghyuck

donghyuck thought renjuns smile was stupid, it was absolutely utterly stupid, and he was swooning

“give me a word,” donghyuck says, eyes locked on renjuns like he was a witch holding him under a spell, donghyuck didn’t even want to blink

“eternity,” he said

their fingers still locked, their feet moving in an effortless rhythm

a rhythm that felt like instinct, instinctual like sunflowers that followed the sun because its all they knew,

like rain hitting the ground to be evaporated back up eventually, like the stars twinkling, the earth spinning,

like everything promised in the world,

they danced to the sound of their laughter

“I already know that one,” donghyuck didn’t feel bad for not giving renjun the chance to define a word,

renjuns eyes were already sparkling, his smile already glowing

“I know,”

the rain continued, donghyuck kept renjun in his arms

“how about a poem?” he asked, and like it was a joke, renjun laughed again

“off the top of my head?”

donghyuck hummed in response, waiting to watch renjun sort through the millions of poems he had to have memorized

“how about just three lines from a poem?” he asked,

“perfect,” donghyuck replied, still stuck under whatever spell renjun had cast

“’ _The rain washes away, / Sorrow, pain, and for a moment / It gives you the belief of innocence again._ ’” he quotes, not missing a beat as if the poem was his, as if every poem that’s ever been written became a piece of renjun

and donghyuck pretends he would’ve loved reading that just as much as he loved hearing it in renjuns voice

“I think its about holding out hope, being trapped or hidden in some sense, and theres a small moment of something that forces you to keep holding on like a wave of clarity so you remember what you're fighting for, it sounds like someone desperately trying to grasp on to the concept of happiness as if it was tangible,” he pauses, “but I’ll send you the full poem, you might interpret it differently,”

donghyuck thanks him, though he knows he’ll take renjuns interpretation as fact even if he shouldn’t

he wondered if a good time to ask renjun to define love would’ve been now

instead he just kept smiling,

leaning in again to spin renjun, chasing the feeling of him returning right back into donghyucks arms

donghyuck thinks how he wouldn't mind spending an eternity in this moment, a piece of him wonders if renjun wouldn't mind either

_"I love the rain,_  
_The way it gracefully falls from the leaves,_  
_To plop soundlessly on an unforgiving ground,_  
_Soaking up the rain until it fades away._  
_How many times does it rain?_  
_Are their many who know how I feel when it rains?_  
_The rain takes the problems of today,_  
_Which usually fills my day with an empty sorrow,_  
_The pain and desolute despair wash away,_

_With the following of the rain._  
_Evanescently,_  
_The rain will dry up,_  
_As the sun’s rays pierce the sky._  
_They go into the air,_  
_To come again another day._  
_Life returns to normal once more,_  
_Continual breath with the force of change._  
_The rain washes away,_  
_Sorrow, pain, and for a moment_  
_It gives you the belief of innocence again._  
_So, here I am,_  
_Underneath the pale,_  
_Dropping leaves of an ancient willow tree._  
_Hoping anxiously for my rain to come._  
_Outside with the birds singing_  
_The sun shining_  
_The wind blowing_  
_And the leaves rustling,_  
_Time keeps going on,_  
_As I await my rain to come._

-Candice Renae Williams."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.poemhunter.com/candice-renae-williams/ if you'd like to check out other poems from the poet I quoted!


	3. ebullience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "it felt like nostalgia, except he was nostalgic for the present, like donghyuck was longing for moments he hasn't lost yet,  
> and how could he explain that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I accidentally made it angsty

“you are the bane of my existence,” renjun says, laughing softly as if to tag an unspoken “ _that’s absolutely a lie”_ in there

there is a chill in the air, one that exists just gently enough to remind them that it will be winter soon

hints of dew on the ground beginning to settle that the sun will make sparkle in the morning,

traces of mist and fog in the air,

the sun hides sooner than it did in summer

donghyuck thinks maybe autumn really is his favorite season, maybe he hadn’t taken it from renjun

but all the things he loved,

seeing the yellows, oranges, reds, purples littered across the trees

the crisp air that smells like frost

what would any of it be without renjun?

maybe renjun really was why he loved autumn,

seeing renjun happy was what felt like autumn to donghyuck

because if it was autumn, renjun would be happiest, that’s all that really mattered anyways

but that didn't mean he stole autumn from renjun, just that renjun taught him how to love autumn

donghyuck wonders what would come from him asking renjun to describe autumn, would he paint a picture with warm colors littering the surface? would he write a poem about the sound of birds wings flapping in the distance as they migrated somewhere warmer? would he write a story about catching a strangers eye on the other side of the bonfire, would he write about the light from the flame glimmered across his face as the heat danced around him?

“what word makes you think of autumn?” donghyuck asked, eyes pointed at the flickering streetlight, he’d been counting the intervals between its flickering

it was inconsistent

donghyuck was happy he didn’t live a life of inconsistencies

he craves normalcy, he craves routine and safety

“kaleidoscope,” renjun says, smiling warmly, just like the colors of the season, just like knit sweaters and soft blankets

the shadows cast across his face made him look mysterious, but not foreign: renjun would never be foreign, especially not to donghyuck

donghyuck thinks he understands renjun like he understands breathing, he understands him the same way he knows how each footstep he takes will feel before he even takes it, how he knows what it will feel like to wrap himself in his comforter after he opens his room window to let the breeze pass through

but somehow renjun felt ephemeral, like he was exisiting in a fleeting moment, like donghyuck had to hold on to every last word, every change in tone, every form of a smile, every small mannerism, the way he tilts his head and shoves his tongue in his cheek when hes trying not to smile so he can pretend to be annoyed with donghyuck,

he felt transient in a way that made donghyuck want to write a book, one about the way his eyes lit up the way they did when donghyuck inquired about a word, or a poem, about anything in the realm of art

donghyuck felt like he had to record the sounds of renjuns voice, the way he pronounces certain words just slightly different from donghyuck,

donghyuck thought he’d have to write this book on paper that was tinted yellow from age, with a quill pen and a cup of ink; a simple pencil on plain paper wouldn’t do renjun justice.

donghyuck felt like he was chasing a memory threatened by evanescence when it came to renjun, because as the cliches go: _nothing good could last forever_ ,

renjun himself didn’t feel temporary, donghyuck didn’t think renjun would cease to exist if he blinked too quickly,

donghyuck yearned for consistency after all, and renjun provided that,

renjun was stable, he was unfailing and unchanging, donghyuck felt renjun was safe

but a feeling lingered throughout donghyuck, a need to immortalize renjun across all mediums of art,

donghyuck didn’t understand how renjun existed how he did, permanent and tangible sitting close enough for donghyuck to feel the ghost of his shoulder against his own, because in that same moment, renjun existed like a beautiful song you hear on the radio just once, one that always waits to be remembered, one you can’t seem to think of any of the words to search for it afterwards, one that you never hear again, one thats melody taunts you as it lingers faintly forever,

it didn’t make sense how renjun existed like a paradox

“kaleidoscope? like the toy?” donghyuck finally responded, hoping the moments he lost himself in his thoughts didn’t feel as long to renjun as they did to him

“yes, that is a kaleidoscope, but I’m not talking about that, I mean it as a pattern constantly changing, like how the leaves change, how they fall, it’s like a kaleidoscope of color, it’s all a pattern,” renjun finishes, looking towards donghyuck as if he was waiting for the word to fall into donghyucks understanding, like he could manifest his knowledge into something tangible to place in donghyucks hands

donghyuck nodded slowly, letting his eyes roam. across renjuns features like he was subconsciously mapping every detail of him to save

donghyuck wonders how renjun could ever get cold with a smile as warm as he had

the light whisper of a dimple on his cheek, the ghost of crinkles on the corners of his eyes

donghyuck thought that if he ever had to explain autumn, all he could say was renjun

because autumn encompassed everything that donghyuck yearned for simply because it brought that smile to renjuns face

“what, no cheeky comments?” renjun asked, smirking

donghyuck smiled back, mind flashing to every exaggerated sigh and complaint renjun would whine out after donghyucks remarks

of course, it wasn’t surprising, he knew renjun liked them, they were flattering (or at the very least amusing)

“you make my heart dance in a kaleidoscope of happiness,” donghyuck said, and sure he’d admit this one was a little pathetic, still he turned his head to face renjun, batting his eyelashes foolishly

“relax romeo, I was joking,” renjuns eyes caught the pretty reflection of the moon, his nose scrunched slightly through his laughter, “and that one was terrible,”

donghyuck didn’t care, his own face mirroring that of renjuns

“I’m not good under pressure,” donghyuck whined now, the atmosphere was still lighthearted,

though truthfully donghyuck just felt a few steps away today, he felt disconnected just barely enough to register it;

he felt like the world was spinning one split second faster than he could step

he would never want to impose on renjun and share this, he felt he couldn’t put it in words enough to be understood regardless

did renjun ever feel like he didn’t know how to explain something? did renjun feel compelled to find explanations for everything, would he be stressed if donghyuck tried to explain his thoughts with all their spaces and inconsistencies?

would renjun search to fill the gaps, would renjun try to organize through the mess of incomplete thoughts thrown to the side because donghyuck decided it was easier to start a new thought instead of finish ones he stumbled over?

he would never want to burden him like that.

despite donghyucks efforts, despite the pride he encompasses himself in for being unable to read, renjun- because hes keen and unpredictable in all the positive connotations of the word- reads him

“whats bothering you?” renjun asked, donghyuck could feel his eyes roaming donghyucks features like he were a poem to be analyzed

though donghyuck wasn’t entirely sure

theoretically, nothing was wrong to be bothering him, renjun was next to him, renjun was happy

and donghyuck knew this moment was real and permanent in time,

but he was scared

every piece of his conscious mind was telling him to reach for renjun and hold him close,

like renjun was going to dissipate into thin air suddenly

he felt like something imperceptible shifted somewhere with enough impact for donghyuck to feel

and renjun was bleeding through the fingers of the shift,

donghyuck was scared

 _“hey renjun-”_ he wanted to say, _“how would you define love?”_ but the words were cast aside with the rest of his incomplete thoughts

donghyuck wondered how renjun would describe cowardice

would he laugh and tell donghyuck that his picture is in the dictonary there?

because it was true after all, wasn’t it?

donghyuck _was_ scared, he didn’t want renjun to read him before he got a chance to interpret something

though he grasped on renjuns every other thought and interpretation like his life depended on it, he knew whatever this fear meant was something he would have to interpret alone.

the sound of renjuns jacket sleeve rubbing against his chest as he shifted his position brought donghyuck back slightly, just enough for him to remember renjun was waiting on an answer

donghyuck wishes he hadn’t thought about renjuns intangibility because even though he knew renjun was existent and whole next to him, he finds his brain working on overdrive to understand why he felt like he was going to vanish

the presentiment flooding through him like an unforgiving storm rolling through

renjun was his best friend through and through, he always had been and always will be as long as donghyuck had a say in the matter

and donghyuck had always sort of fancied him, he’d always looked for the boy in crowds, nothing had changed

“nothings bothering me, I’m just tired,” donghyuck finally replies, hoping again that the gaps of silence didn’t feel like years to renjun like they did to donghyuck

“do you want to head inside?” he asked

donghyuck just shook his head

“I wish I could read peoples minds,” renjun started, apparently picking up on donghyucks unspoken pleas to let the previous conversation go

“why?” donghyuck asked, sometimes he wished he could read renjuns

“I just want to know what people are thinking, like you, I feel like you’ve got this internal monologue thing going on sometimes that you never share,” renjun says, donghyuck could feel his gaze still on him

donghyuck wished conversations worked in his favor, he wished he could use the sound of leaves being blown off trees in the distance as the wind rolled through as an answer

“you wouldn’t want to read my mind.” donghyuck says, forcing a laugh as to not entirely shatter the mood, as to not open himself like a book for renjun to read

but sadley conversations didn’t exist for him to control, rather they existed to share messages between people

donghyuck wished he would’ve said, “ _look in a mirror, you'll get the same results_ ,” instead, he wished he would’ve made one of his famous corny jokes that never failed to make renjun smile

renjun rolled his eyes, “well I think it would be cozy to rest in someone elses mind, it sounds dumb, but I mean to really hear the inner voices of someone, to understand someone like their blood runs through your veins too, it just seems cool to me.”

“wouldn't you rather rest in my arms instead?” donghyuck says, swallowing down whatever emotions decided to suddenly tie a rope around him

“theres my boy,” renjun jokes, laughing with relief, like scales everywhere were returning to equilibrium as balance was shifting back into place

“but as happy as I am that your ebullience has returned, you do know that you can talk to me if you ever feel like you need to get something off your mind, right?” renjun asked, of course his smile was ever present

though this one was a sadder smile, donghyuck recognized this one even if it was rare

this smile felt resigned, it felt half-hearted but not effort wise

donghyuck looked away again, eyes catching the moon like she would offer him words of advice

of course he knew he could talk to renjun, but what was it that he even needed to talk about?

his thoughts were scattered and strewn around, and donghyuck didn’t necessarily feel sad

it felt like nostalgia, except he was nostalgic for the present, like donghyuck was longing for moments that haven’t ended yet,

and how could he explain that?

“ebullience?” he asked, ignoring the other half of renjuns statement, the part that renjun most likely wanted him to hear the most

“yeah,” renjun started, donghyuck knew it was safe to face renjun again, renjun wasn’t dumb, he understood avoidance well enough to know that the third time wasn’t the charm here, “it means the ability to be cheerful or bright, being full of energy, it makes me think of you anyways.”

donghyuck felt the smile forming on his lips, because if there was nothing else, atleast he could be ebullient for renjun.

“and which sonnet taught you this one?” he said through a smile, eyes wandering renjuns features for the millionth time

like he had to make sure everything was the same, as if he had to make sure there was nothing to long for or miss yet

“technically it wasn’t a sonnet, but it was in a poem, _Ebullient Moments_ , I can send it to you,”

“or you could read it to me,” 

“shut up donghyuck.” he laughed

just like that, just like renjuns adoration with words, just like the stars twinkling like they had no worries in the world, donghyuck felt okay again, like maybe the world wasn’t going to run from him just yet

“whats it about?” he asked, because he wasn’t ready to lose the solace he’d rediscovered

“you know the world wont end if you let yourself interpret something without hearing my thoughts, right?”

“why on earth would I want to do that when your interpretations are better than anything I could muster up on my own?” he said, shoving into renjuns shoulder playfully

renjun laughed, donghyuck had always enjoyed renjuns laugh

it sounded like honey, smooth and sweet, something that cured simple colds or sore throats, something that made people feel better, something that was always craved

“you’re incredible,” renjun said, head shaking like he was in disbelief, “I think the poems about longing from a place of desperation, I think it's about small moments of calm: like right before a wave crashes into the side of a boat, except the wave isn't unexpected, does that make sense?”

his eyebrows lightly stressed, his lips just barely shut, like he was ready to breakdown every definition of every word he spoke if donghyuck needed

donghyuck just nodded, pretending chills didn’t run through his body

like renjun hadn’t nearly reached the gates of donghyucks turmoil, like he hadn’t almost just broke the lock

instead of anticipating the wave, he locked his eyes on renjuns

once again immortalizing the way the stars shimmered there.

“ _Ebullient moments touch me like Jesus touched the blind_  
_Curing all the sheer stupidity and dread for just a few seconds_  
_Like it diminished forever_  
_But once these moments are over_  
_The morbid realization comes back into play_  
_Now i'm in overtime and can't score a goal_  
_What number should i roll?_  
_These dice aren't rigged, but i still have my suspicion_  
_What will become of me if i let this get to me?_

-Peter Robert Hamilton”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://hellopoetry.com/peter-r-hamilton/ incase you wanted to read more work from the poet I quoted, there is a link to his Hello Poetry page!


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